It's My Child and I'll Spank if I Want to!

April 30th is apparently National Spank Out Day.  Which initially I thought was kind of cool, because I thought it was like a "Nurse In" kind of, but with butts instead of boobs.  So awesome.  I can actually take my kids out in public today, because if they act up I can hit them and tell the CPS officials who come knocking anytime a parent tries to parent that I was just celebrating National Spank Out Day.

Not so much.

It seems that National Spank Out Day would be more aptly named "National Guilt You Into Not Disciplining Your Children Only So That We Can Then Guilt You About Having Unruly Children Later Day".

Not so awesome.  I think I will be filing this under useless along with Cinco de Mayo and Arbor Day and Bosses Day*  and not be participating in this particular holiday, much to my children's disappointment.



*Just to be clear - I have nothing against Cinco de Mayo, Arbor Day and Bosses Day - well maybe Bosses Day but not the others.  I think that Mexico and trees and bosses are very nice.  But I am painfully white and have no Hispanic heritage to celebrate, so Cinco de Mayo doesn't really do anything for me (though my neighbors have kick ass Cinco de Mayo parties that they don't invite me to) and I love trees, but I kill plants just by looking at them.  Bosses Day is useless because why in the fuck should I buy something for my boss with my money when he makes more than twice as much as I do and when he buys my Administrative Assistant Day gift with the company credit card?!

Maybe I'm a Lunatic, but At Least I Don't Hate My Kids

I am often convinced that there are live bugs all over my body.  And sometimes I truly believe that the world is out to get me.  I have almost no memory of my childhood and recent years are pretty foggy.  No one in their right mind speaks to me either before I've had coffee or when it's that time of the month. And even my kids' dogs are afraid of me*.  I seriously want to build an underground shelter and get Lasik in preparation for the whole 2012 end of the world thing.  And Hubs has instructions to buy extra canned goods every time he goes to the grocery store.

I also truly believe that Canadians are evil.

But my kids are named Boy and Girl**.  Not Boi and Gerl or Yob and Lrig or some other equally stupid made up bullshit name.

Why?  

Because I love my kids and I don't want them to have to explain that shit for the rest of their lives.

My Mom didn't understand that by spelling "Chloe" as "Chlowie" she was inviting people to rhyme my flipping name with Wowie!  And also making it kind look like I might be a Wookie.***

Do you have any idea how much therapy costs?  

I didn't think so.

*My dog is not the slightest bit afraid of me, because he's the best dog ever.  My kids' dogs on the other hand are little shits who should be very afraid, because they are small, angry, yappy and puntable.

**My kids are not really named Boy and Girl, and you'll just have to take my very reliable word on that, because I'm not giving you real names.

***This is assuming that children born now will even know what a Wookie is - which really, when you think about it, is a very sad commentary on the younger generation.