Buried Treasure

We have four dogs.

Two of them are rats and they don't belong to me and I really don't like them very much.

Two are adorable big, floppy bundles of love.  I'll claim them - but only one is technically mine.

We have a dog door and anytime people are in the backyard, all four dogs like to hang out there.

Only, since we got our newest addition  - a baby rottweiler mix - they've started digging right next to the concrete porch.

We tell them not to, and everytime we catch them doing it, they get in trouble but everytime we aren't paying attention, they dig there.

They haven't managed to get a very big hole yet, because mostly they dig a little and then eat the dirt for awhile.

I'm pretty sure that means we have a dead body buried in our backyard.  And I didn't do it.

Good Moms Can't Punch Teachers in the Trachea

I had an entirely different post planned for today, complaining about Boy's "Creative Storytelling"*, but while in the process of trying to sift through Boy's bullshit and compare and contrast stories, my anger got completely justifiably switched to a new target - Ms. Science**.

Here is the actual email conversation*** between the two of us:

Ms. Science,

I've heard Boy, Ninja Kid and Ms. English's versions of the incident between Boy and Ninja Kid**** on Friday.  Could you please tell me your version?  I'm really just interested in finding out how creative Boy's storytelling is.
-- 

Unter Mom

Unter Mom,  

Ms. English and I interviewed the boys together, so I dont know anything different than she did.   Plus, I was talking to a group of girls and I didnt even see the incident occur nor have I asked any of the other teachers about the incident.    Mrs. English was handling the incident since the boys were in her class at the time.  

Im not the total authority on kids quarrels with other kids, but I have 3 grown daughters and have dealt with this area some.  Plus, I have mainly taught in Jr. High and High school.   My suggestion is to let Boy learn to deal with small issues like this by himself.   I realize that we have to help them fight the big battles, but in Jr. High and High school if we fight their battles, they get classified as a "Baby", which makes it even more difficult with boys.    Thank you   

Ms. Science

Ms. Science,

I'm not trying to fight Boy's battles, though in Ninja Kid's case I would greatly prefer that there not be any battles, I'm just trying to find out if Boy is lying to me.  

Boy's story makes it look a great deal like he did overreact but Ninja Kid overreacted as well and was equally culpable, while the story I'm hearing from everyone else sounds like Ninja Kid was calm, cool and collected while Boy lost it for little to no reason and tried to beat the snot out of Ninja Kid.  Obviously I don't like my son fighting at school, but these two stories require two very different sets of consequences at home.  And lying is an entirely different thing that we do not tolerate, and if he is lying, then I need to know that so that I can deal with that, also at home.

I'm not trying to get to the bottom of the Boy/Ninja Kid thing so that we can fix that dynamic, it's not fixable and I don't know why Boy can't follow my directions to just stay away from Ninja Kid.  I'm just trying to parent my child and see that he isn't a bully or an instigator or a liar.  

-- 

Unter Mom  

Unter Mom,  

I can tell you this, when we talk to both of the boys, Ninja Boy was very calm and he realized what part he contributed.   Whereas Boy on the other hand, had to be sent to walk around to calm down, and when we were talking to him, I had to keep reminding him to just give me facts and not excuses.    And yes, Boy quiet frequently over reacts to lots of things.    Has he ever had counseling to learn to deal with anger or stress situations?   It might be beneficial to him.    If anything does go perfect for him, he seems to lose it and it doesnt just have to deal with other students, it can be work, or that he cant find something.    When this happens, he becomes very hostile and cant seem to make a rash decision on how to solve the issue.   I realize part of this is adolescence but his is extreme.   

Ms. Science 

Ms. Science, 

I was just trying to get the facts straight so that I could deal with my own child at home.  I can see now that you can not help me and I'm sorry for bothering you with my questions.  It won't happen again. 

As for Boy and therapy, not that it's really any of your business, but Boy has had multiple years of therapy.  I am aware of Boy's emotional outbursts and lack of self-control as I have been dealing with these problems for the last 12 years.  Perhaps it is not evident to you, because you have only known him for 1 year, but he has actually made incredible progress.  I can see that in a classroom setting with other children to deal with Boy could be a substantial problem and I do apologize, but I have not received phone calls from any of his teachers asking for my assistance in dealing with his outbursts and without information I can not help you.  

We have 5 weeks left of school and I would just like to get through it with both Boy and myself in one piece.  

Thank you for your time and for all that you do.  

-- 

Unter Mom

It may not be apparent to those of you without children - but to tell a parent that their child needs therapy is pretty much the rudest comment you could ever make.  And through this whole thing, all I have asked for was a description of what happened - from Mrs. Ninja Kid, from Ms. English and from Ms. Science - all in an effort to corroborate or disprove Boy's story, whichever might be the case.

And to top it all off, Boy loves this teacher!  Science is his favorite subject and if she would let him, he would come to tutoring every day.  He loves her so much that I wasn't planning on telling him that she's a raging bitch.

And then Boy came home from school.  And per my instructions, he described his day down to what was for lunch and who sat next to him in P.E.  And then he asked me why Ms. Science made a snarky comment to him about lying to his mother.

What the fuck?

Why would you even say that to a kid?  What purpose does it serve?  Teachers like to bitch and moan and groan and complain because parents don't help and they expect teachers to parent their children but when a parent tries to respectfully ask for clarification (without causing a big stink or going to the fucking principal) you drag the kid into a very adult disagreement?

I have spent the better part of today with the happy image of me punching Ms. Science in the trachea, but Hubs has forbidden me to email her, or to call the school and tell them that she is a raging bitch.  And then he tactfully suggested that maybe tonight should be a xanax night.

Thank you Sweet Baby Jesus that it's Friday!

*Creative storytelling sounds alot like lying, but in Boy's case, he simply puts the emphasis on different parts of the story or maybe neglects to mention key plot points, usually in an effort to paint himself in a better light, but sometimes it's just a matter of righteous anger clouding his view so much that he really can't see that he was beating on a handicapped homeless woman.


**Just for clarification - this is a rant about a specific teacher.  Teachers in general are amazing and they should be paid in the millions.  It is a calling and teachers are angels. And even if Teachers made a million dollars I could not do their jobs.  But Ms. Science is still an asshat.  


*** I literally only changed the names in the emails - I didn't even correct the typos (all of them hers I'm sure).


****Ninja Kid is a child that Boy used to be best friends with, but because kids are kids, in the last year they've decided they hate each other and Ninja Kid has been picking on him mercilessly ever since.  Boy actually really likes Ninja Kid and it hurts his feelings that Ninja Kid doesn't like him.  Unfortunately for Boy, Ninja Kid is one of those devil spawns who can be a total douche canoe when the adults aren't looking and then have his halo firmly back in place when they turn around.  Or maybe Boy is a big fat liar - really I'm up in the air on that one.  Anyway - I call him Ninja Kid because he has a black belt, which really translates to me as "he should never have his hands on an untrained, smaller child.  EVER".  But his parents keep telling me that he has permission to beat the shit out of anyone who touches him.  I think this child has a bright future ahead of him in corporate law.

Fantasy Politics

*

I realized, after I titled this post, that "Fantasy Politics" could mean so many things - 

It could be like Fantasy Football and you could get points if your candidates win elections or primaries or debates or whatever it is that politicians win - which would actually be kind of cool and now I really want my own Fantasy Politics team.

Or

It could be someone's fantasy of politics - like those people who fantasize that Bush was fabulous even though they bitched about him the whole time he was actually in office, or those birther people who are still trying to prove that Obama isn't a citizen 4 years later.

But the fantasy politics I was referring to is the above picture - which makes me laugh and also makes me proud because I only had to ask Hubs who one of the real people was (and I had to explain to Hubs who all of the fantasy people are because he ignores everything in "Game of Thrones" except boobs and gay sex**).

*I would really love to give the freaking amazing person who made this credit - but I just found it floating around Facebook without a name attached to it.  So whoever you are - you are a genius and I bow down to your greatness.

*Hubs is not interested in gay sex - he just noticed it.  And not in a "eww gross this show is poisoning your mind and bringing evil into our home" way but more like a "huh, gay sex - you don't see that on TV everyday - but I like the boobs better" way.  Hubs is not the slightest bit gay - ignore the cross-stitching and butterfly obsession that might indicate otherwise - Hubs is very straight.

Following the Leader!

I am not the leader.  But fuck yes!  I have a follower.

Somewhere Jesus is Crying

Maybe that was a little to much.  But I'm not sure.

I already had a post planned for today and I have no idea what it is or whether it's posted or not because for some reason Blogger wants me to be on Pacific time and I don't know how that works.
But then I saw this article and I couldn't help but jump onto my blog and ask all of my fabulous readers Bluzdude - What the fuck*?!

Somewhere in the God forsaken state of North Carolina, a pastor - A fucking Pastor - told his congregation to "beat the gay" out of their children.

I am not shitting you - There's even a video** (really it's a picture and then the audio of the stupid, fucking bigot pastor's tirade).  I could not even make this shit up.

And that's not even to mention how this guy tells all these ignorant cheering child abusers parents that girls must be beautiful in order to be girls or how he offers a "Special Dispensation" for these people to abuse their kids.

Seriously?  You called up God and had this conversation with Him:

Idiot Pastor:  Hey God, it's me Sean.

God:  I'm aware.  What can I do for you today Pastor Harris? (because I'm sure God is very polite and correct)

Idiot Pastor:  I want to give my congregation a special dispensation from you to beat the gay out of their kids.

God:  Pastor Harris, that is a fabulous plan.  I'll have Gabriel bring down that signed dispensation right away.

Idiot Pastor: Thank you God, that's amazing of You.

I don't think so.  I think it went more along the lines of this.


Idiot Pastor:  Hey God, it's me Sean.

God:

Idiot Pastor:  I want to give my congregation a special dispensation from you to beat the gay out of their kids, if you agree say nothing.

God:

Idiot Pastor: Thank you God, that's amazing of You.

You are not able to give a special dispensation for shit that you know God would not approve of.  And unless you are delusional (which I'm not sure you aren't) then you can tell from reading The New Testament that there is no way in Hell that Jesus would have tried to beat the gay out of someone.

Even if Jesus was anti-homosexuality (which I'm not positive he was) then He would have sat down to a big ass dinner with all the queers and gently "healed" them or maybe just discussed and explained and tried to convince them of the error of their ways.

And if that didn't work, He would have thanked them for the food and then left them the Hell alone.

Because that's how Jesus worked.  It's in the flipping Bible.

Let me be real clear here.  I beat my kids.  But for things like lying, stealing, slapping sisters too much and failing a class.  You know, shit they can control.  Beating your child for being who they are - the person God made them to be - is cruel and unusual punishment, and it is absolutely child abuse.

And the God and Jesus I know are looking at you from heaven and saying:

What the FUCK?!?




*I am actually aware that I am using all kinds of profanities in a post about Jesus and God and the Bible and Gabriel.  But in this particular instance, I think God and Jesus and Gabriel are fine with it.  Because seriously - when people try to justify stupid, cruel and/or horrible things in Their name, I'm pretty sure that Jesus, God and even Gabriel all have some serious potty mouths.


** I totally stole this video from another blog - Good As You - which actually looks incredibly cool and I am now going over to read it.

Shrink Etiquette

Let me preface this by saying that I have been to therapy before.  However, the other times I have been to therapy it was as half of a couple - with my mother as a teenager with Sir LiesAlot at the end of my first marriage, with Boy after Sir LiesAlot fucked him up.

I've never been to therapy by myself.  And next week I have an appointment with a shrink all by myself.

I'm terrified.

I have no trouble talking.  And while I do talk about myself alot, it's not really in depth or real.  That makes no fucking sense.

I like to talk - even though I sound like a blithering idiot most of the time.  And I have no problem telling you that I'm crazy or relating all the crazy ass shit that I do.  But the why - I don't like talking about that shit.  Partially because I don't know and/or understand why.  And partially because anyone who is actually crazy - I'm not talking about really, really weird, or very, very angry - I'm talking about actually insane - has a very painful and not conversation material reason as to why they are arsenic in the cookies unhinged.

So now that I have to go see this shrink alone, I'm trying to figure out how the hell this shit works.  

Do I just walk in and say - 

Hello Dr.!  I'm 30 years old, my husband's disabled, my exhusband is verbally abusive, I have 2 children, Girl is great but Boy gets bullied by my exhusband.  We all live with my mother who may or may not have abused me when I was a child - and I say that because my sister seems to think that our childhood looked alot like The Hunger Games, but I don't actually remember our childhood, so she could be full of shit.  My father is dead and that's awesome because he was a real dickwhistle and did abuse me as a child.  My family doesn't actually like me and I have spent the better part of the last 30 years pretending to be stable and normal when I'm around them.  But my husband is awesome and my son's father's parents are fabulous and they all love me even though I'm crazy.

I made this appointment because my husband is starting to get worried and he would really like me to be medicated - I would just really like to not think that the Canadians are going to invade and eat everyone's brains.

Nevermind.  Now that I've read that - I think perhaps I will stick with answering his questions.  Because we really can't afford for me to be committed.

White Trash

So I guess I am now officially White Trash.

I haven't decided how I feel about this.  It's never really been an issue before.  Though I suppose in order to be White Trash now I would have to have been White Trash or at least on the road to White Trashdom for a while.  But I didn't know about it, so I'm not sure it counts.

Anyway.

All of this White Trashiness was brought to my attention yesterday when I was having a terribly confusing conversation with my kids that involved their dads.*  And Girl, who is a stickler for precision needed clarification on who we were talking about even though Boy and I were in complete understanding.

So my kids decided they needed to number their dads.

That's right.  My kids have so many dads that in order to keep them straight they have to number them.

White Trash.

*Yes, my kids have more than one dad.  What can I say - I have a hard time with decisions.