Sabotage

I'm not even sure when my last post went up. 
I went to the shrink and he said

Holy fuck you are crazy.  Take  these pills 3x a day and call me in two weeks.

Which is awesome.  But I feel like a zombie.  I'm not freak ing out so much anymore but I still want to and I can't make myself care enough to.  So I cry alot.

Also last night my 20 year old teddy bear somehow made it from Girls room into my bed and I don't remember a thing.  Hubs swears I went and got it.

And my boss threatened to fire me.

All of this is to explain that I haven't figured  out when/where to blog yet.  I pass out almost as soon as I get home from work and I'm scared to blog at work even on my personal laptop because my boss hates me.  And the autocorrect on my phone is kicking my ass.

And just on a sidenote, Boy has decided he doesn't want Sir Liesalot's last name even though he was adopted by him.  Boy wants to keep Reformed Commitmentphobic's last name.  And since we never actually changed his social security card, technically his last name never changed, we just started calling him Boy Liesalot.  Sir is not pleased.  Reformed is graceful enough to not openly rejoice.

And I have to change all of Boy's paperwork back to Boy Commitmentphobic.

What does a nervous breakdown feel like?

Wanted: Second Wife

I'm going to have to get another job.  Either a second job or a new job that pays more than jackshit, which is what I make now.

Hubs is disabled and can't work and my mother is a miser and doesn't understand why I can't pay all the household bills for a $60,000 a year house and support a family of five on jackshit a year.

Go figure.

So I started looking on Monster and found an ad for a "Personal Assistant" -

Well established successful financial executive has too much on his business and personal plate and needs your help. He and his wife are very involved in the activities around their three active teenage sons and find they need help just keeping up with them and their three homes. Your position is very diversified and could include such mundane things as taking the dry cleaning and running to the store, to coordinating travel for the family and kids to sporting events, assisting with “running” the second and third homes, as well as helping with the construction of their new Houston home, arranging for tutors, helping with homework, spend the night occasionally if both parents are out of town, etc. This is not a nanny position, though it comes close. You do need to have some business experience as well as you will be relied upon to coordinate household and business events. The family is quite successful with a wonderful reputation and both parents are smart as well as funny. They are looking for this person to be with them at least eight years. Salary depends on years and level of experience.

Funny - but the list of duties looks strangely like a housewife to me.  I think they should have just titled the listing as -

Wanted: Second Wife

I applied.  Because seriously - who doesn't want a housewife of their very own.

Fine Parenting Moments

As the title of my blog clearly states - I am not a fabulous mom.  But usually I manage to not scar my children for life or yell at them to the point of tears.  Usually.

Yesterday I was talking to my ex (Boy's biological father), Reformed CommitmentPhobic, about Boy's altercation with Ninja Kid. 

Boy was goofing off in the kitchen so that he could overhear the conversation and Hubs was telling him to butt out and go away.  I wasn't really paying attention to either one of them.

I was busy loudly talking to Reformed CommitmentPhobic about how people were pissing me off and I couldn't get a straight answer from anyone, and all I wanted to know was whether or not Boy had started a fight at school and then came home and lied about it.

Reformed CommitmentPhobic was trying to calm me down (but not very hard because he doesn't have to live with me) and then I complained louder.

I'm tired of all these people telling me that Boy's an asshat!

And when I say "complained louder" you probably should translate that as "shrieked".

Anyway.

Boy came pelting through the living room in tears.

Fuck.

You think I'm an asshat!  You hate me!  You think everyone is right when they say I'm a piece of shit! 

Where does he get these hysterical tendancies?

Anyway - I told him that if he was going to eavesdrop that maybe he should eavesdrop harder so that he could hear the whole sentence.  And if he wasn't going to get the whole conversation but insisted on eavesdropping anyway then he should get used to hearing things he didn't want to hear.

Oh, and I told him he's not an asshat.

Buried Treasure

We have four dogs.

Two of them are rats and they don't belong to me and I really don't like them very much.

Two are adorable big, floppy bundles of love.  I'll claim them - but only one is technically mine.

We have a dog door and anytime people are in the backyard, all four dogs like to hang out there.

Only, since we got our newest addition  - a baby rottweiler mix - they've started digging right next to the concrete porch.

We tell them not to, and everytime we catch them doing it, they get in trouble but everytime we aren't paying attention, they dig there.

They haven't managed to get a very big hole yet, because mostly they dig a little and then eat the dirt for awhile.

I'm pretty sure that means we have a dead body buried in our backyard.  And I didn't do it.

Good Moms Can't Punch Teachers in the Trachea

I had an entirely different post planned for today, complaining about Boy's "Creative Storytelling"*, but while in the process of trying to sift through Boy's bullshit and compare and contrast stories, my anger got completely justifiably switched to a new target - Ms. Science**.

Here is the actual email conversation*** between the two of us:

Ms. Science,

I've heard Boy, Ninja Kid and Ms. English's versions of the incident between Boy and Ninja Kid**** on Friday.  Could you please tell me your version?  I'm really just interested in finding out how creative Boy's storytelling is.
-- 

Unter Mom

Unter Mom,  

Ms. English and I interviewed the boys together, so I dont know anything different than she did.   Plus, I was talking to a group of girls and I didnt even see the incident occur nor have I asked any of the other teachers about the incident.    Mrs. English was handling the incident since the boys were in her class at the time.  

Im not the total authority on kids quarrels with other kids, but I have 3 grown daughters and have dealt with this area some.  Plus, I have mainly taught in Jr. High and High school.   My suggestion is to let Boy learn to deal with small issues like this by himself.   I realize that we have to help them fight the big battles, but in Jr. High and High school if we fight their battles, they get classified as a "Baby", which makes it even more difficult with boys.    Thank you   

Ms. Science

Ms. Science,

I'm not trying to fight Boy's battles, though in Ninja Kid's case I would greatly prefer that there not be any battles, I'm just trying to find out if Boy is lying to me.  

Boy's story makes it look a great deal like he did overreact but Ninja Kid overreacted as well and was equally culpable, while the story I'm hearing from everyone else sounds like Ninja Kid was calm, cool and collected while Boy lost it for little to no reason and tried to beat the snot out of Ninja Kid.  Obviously I don't like my son fighting at school, but these two stories require two very different sets of consequences at home.  And lying is an entirely different thing that we do not tolerate, and if he is lying, then I need to know that so that I can deal with that, also at home.

I'm not trying to get to the bottom of the Boy/Ninja Kid thing so that we can fix that dynamic, it's not fixable and I don't know why Boy can't follow my directions to just stay away from Ninja Kid.  I'm just trying to parent my child and see that he isn't a bully or an instigator or a liar.  

-- 

Unter Mom  

Unter Mom,  

I can tell you this, when we talk to both of the boys, Ninja Boy was very calm and he realized what part he contributed.   Whereas Boy on the other hand, had to be sent to walk around to calm down, and when we were talking to him, I had to keep reminding him to just give me facts and not excuses.    And yes, Boy quiet frequently over reacts to lots of things.    Has he ever had counseling to learn to deal with anger or stress situations?   It might be beneficial to him.    If anything does go perfect for him, he seems to lose it and it doesnt just have to deal with other students, it can be work, or that he cant find something.    When this happens, he becomes very hostile and cant seem to make a rash decision on how to solve the issue.   I realize part of this is adolescence but his is extreme.   

Ms. Science 

Ms. Science, 

I was just trying to get the facts straight so that I could deal with my own child at home.  I can see now that you can not help me and I'm sorry for bothering you with my questions.  It won't happen again. 

As for Boy and therapy, not that it's really any of your business, but Boy has had multiple years of therapy.  I am aware of Boy's emotional outbursts and lack of self-control as I have been dealing with these problems for the last 12 years.  Perhaps it is not evident to you, because you have only known him for 1 year, but he has actually made incredible progress.  I can see that in a classroom setting with other children to deal with Boy could be a substantial problem and I do apologize, but I have not received phone calls from any of his teachers asking for my assistance in dealing with his outbursts and without information I can not help you.  

We have 5 weeks left of school and I would just like to get through it with both Boy and myself in one piece.  

Thank you for your time and for all that you do.  

-- 

Unter Mom

It may not be apparent to those of you without children - but to tell a parent that their child needs therapy is pretty much the rudest comment you could ever make.  And through this whole thing, all I have asked for was a description of what happened - from Mrs. Ninja Kid, from Ms. English and from Ms. Science - all in an effort to corroborate or disprove Boy's story, whichever might be the case.

And to top it all off, Boy loves this teacher!  Science is his favorite subject and if she would let him, he would come to tutoring every day.  He loves her so much that I wasn't planning on telling him that she's a raging bitch.

And then Boy came home from school.  And per my instructions, he described his day down to what was for lunch and who sat next to him in P.E.  And then he asked me why Ms. Science made a snarky comment to him about lying to his mother.

What the fuck?

Why would you even say that to a kid?  What purpose does it serve?  Teachers like to bitch and moan and groan and complain because parents don't help and they expect teachers to parent their children but when a parent tries to respectfully ask for clarification (without causing a big stink or going to the fucking principal) you drag the kid into a very adult disagreement?

I have spent the better part of today with the happy image of me punching Ms. Science in the trachea, but Hubs has forbidden me to email her, or to call the school and tell them that she is a raging bitch.  And then he tactfully suggested that maybe tonight should be a xanax night.

Thank you Sweet Baby Jesus that it's Friday!

*Creative storytelling sounds alot like lying, but in Boy's case, he simply puts the emphasis on different parts of the story or maybe neglects to mention key plot points, usually in an effort to paint himself in a better light, but sometimes it's just a matter of righteous anger clouding his view so much that he really can't see that he was beating on a handicapped homeless woman.


**Just for clarification - this is a rant about a specific teacher.  Teachers in general are amazing and they should be paid in the millions.  It is a calling and teachers are angels. And even if Teachers made a million dollars I could not do their jobs.  But Ms. Science is still an asshat.  


*** I literally only changed the names in the emails - I didn't even correct the typos (all of them hers I'm sure).


****Ninja Kid is a child that Boy used to be best friends with, but because kids are kids, in the last year they've decided they hate each other and Ninja Kid has been picking on him mercilessly ever since.  Boy actually really likes Ninja Kid and it hurts his feelings that Ninja Kid doesn't like him.  Unfortunately for Boy, Ninja Kid is one of those devil spawns who can be a total douche canoe when the adults aren't looking and then have his halo firmly back in place when they turn around.  Or maybe Boy is a big fat liar - really I'm up in the air on that one.  Anyway - I call him Ninja Kid because he has a black belt, which really translates to me as "he should never have his hands on an untrained, smaller child.  EVER".  But his parents keep telling me that he has permission to beat the shit out of anyone who touches him.  I think this child has a bright future ahead of him in corporate law.

Fantasy Politics

*

I realized, after I titled this post, that "Fantasy Politics" could mean so many things - 

It could be like Fantasy Football and you could get points if your candidates win elections or primaries or debates or whatever it is that politicians win - which would actually be kind of cool and now I really want my own Fantasy Politics team.

Or

It could be someone's fantasy of politics - like those people who fantasize that Bush was fabulous even though they bitched about him the whole time he was actually in office, or those birther people who are still trying to prove that Obama isn't a citizen 4 years later.

But the fantasy politics I was referring to is the above picture - which makes me laugh and also makes me proud because I only had to ask Hubs who one of the real people was (and I had to explain to Hubs who all of the fantasy people are because he ignores everything in "Game of Thrones" except boobs and gay sex**).

*I would really love to give the freaking amazing person who made this credit - but I just found it floating around Facebook without a name attached to it.  So whoever you are - you are a genius and I bow down to your greatness.

*Hubs is not interested in gay sex - he just noticed it.  And not in a "eww gross this show is poisoning your mind and bringing evil into our home" way but more like a "huh, gay sex - you don't see that on TV everyday - but I like the boobs better" way.  Hubs is not the slightest bit gay - ignore the cross-stitching and butterfly obsession that might indicate otherwise - Hubs is very straight.

Following the Leader!

I am not the leader.  But fuck yes!  I have a follower.